I said something very stupid the other day. Yes, as odd as it may sound, this does happen sometimes. I claimed I want to be ‘seen as a person’ even by ‘random sex partners’. It was a hypothetical discussion, so no need to start a scandal or speculations now, but my conversation partner had a very clever answer: “So what else would one be, if not a person?”, he said.
Despite the fact that he most probably used this argument in consideration of his own future advantages, he is absolutely right. What makes us a person? What makes us worthy of something – what makes us special? Day in, day out we can find evidence everywhere that allegedly it must be our environment and people we encounter. Bluntly speaking, this is mere bullshit. How sad would it be if our state of mind, our condition of being, our existence depended on the confirmation of random other people! If you wanna be special, be special! If you wanna be worthy of something, be worthy of it! This does not necessarily imply that you actually receive whatever you see yourself worthy of, but if it is not you as the least one to confirm you actually are, then who is?
Too abstract? Let’s throw in another example. I had a heated argument with a friend about whether or not it is necessary to follow certain rules when dating. You know, like all this shit from the Hollywood movies, ‘don’t sleep with him before the 5th date or he will not consider you as girlfriend material’, and so on. Stuff that already led to heated discussions during the 90s in our all-time favourite series Sex and the City. While Charlotte is of the opinion that of course you need to make yourself a rare and not-that-easy prey, Samantha counters that at least you have had a good time, will he decide against you, and that the fact of whether or not to wait a certain amount of dates before getting it on does not really play a role. I have to say, I support Samantha’s view here full-heartedly, and I add the question of why is this such an externally-controlled game, anyways? What if you (feel free to swap pronouns according to your gender and/or sexual preferences) actually decide against him? And what happened to the good old rule of test-driving a car before buying it?
This friend had a nice story as an example to back up his argument. Another friend of his met ‘the girl of his dreams’ in a bar (yes, this guy apparently feels certain to conclude that in a slightly intoxicated state of mind and after a maximum of a couple of hours of talk), and then he asked her to come home with him, and when she did, he was very disappointed and decided she cannot be the girl of his dreams any longer. Now you probably see why my friend (not the guy from the story, I don’t know him), after telling me this story, fully convinced it is a reasonable one, lost a couple of points in the smartness-league here. If you’re more on his side, however, and it is not so obvious for you, let’s break it down to the odd facts:
- Why would this guy even ask the girl to come home with him if he doesn’t want her to?
- Why does the guy need a girl to say ‘no’ to him in order to feel special and appreciated?
- Why does it not occur to him that he might have lost his privilege of being special and appreciated in her eyes after popping such a question on the first night, if this is the game he thinks he’s in?
- Why is his interest in her solely based on her willingness to sleep with him at a pre-selected point in time, instead of her as a person?
- Why is it valued by him as something positive if the girl refuses to get naked with him (maybe she just finds him really repelling)?
- And last but not least: Why on earth can this grown-up guy not scratch the leftovers of his balls together and tell the girl that he would like to take her home, but he kinda likes her and wants to get to know her first, and how about meeting for a coffee and sober at a later point instead?
Aside from all this, I just as much and fully support two people that like each other going home with each other the moment they meet, and liking each other a bit more. If they are both up for it, why not? Where do all these stupid rules come from? Who says we need to play by them? Hell, how do people playing by the rules even know whether or not the other person even likes them or is just really good at playing a game by the rules? There should only be two rules: Do what you want because you want it (and not because you wanna trigger a reaction from someone else – the same goes for abstaining from doing something), and try to be honest to not hurt anyone. That’s it. Pretty easy. And pretty fun, too! Whole new levels of life experience open up to you once you throw insecurities, second thoughts, biases and questionable standards over board and live your life as it happens!
There is never a guarantee that someone finds you special and wants to be with you. People can find you interesting right away, or after they get to know you better, but in the end it is them deciding whether or not they want to do that. And if all they find interesting about you is the fact that they cannot have you, it’s probably not about you, anyway. But you know what? That’s their loss. That doesn’t make you a less interesting or a less special person. Do you even want to be with someone who just fell for you because you were so unavailable? I rather team up with someone who consciously decided it’s worth getting to know me, than because I forced him to spend time with me over a three-week period. There we go, found another filter here! Besides, who wants to be with a person who judges (and evaluates!) people by the amount of time they wait to sleep with someone? That doesn’t seem like a too attractive characteristic, either.
After all, the easiest approach is probably to acknowledge that you cannot steer other people’s minds. Besides, manipulating people rarely results in something positive. And most of the time they themselves don’t even know what they want, so you shouldn’t even try to control that (and life becomes so much more relaxing once you accept this fact). Meeting someone you can stand longer than a month is tricky, requires the right timing, willingness for commitment (on both sides), attraction, and a bit of luck. The odds that you chased away the one and only (there are, by the way, approximately 8 ‘right ones’ for you per city, depending on the number of inhabitants) by not sleeping with them at the right point in time are very, very low.